The Truth Is...

As you may have noticed, today I had to reset the day counter.  I would have been at 12 days today, but I gave in.  So you can see why I haven't moved on to the second chapter yet.

Really, what have I accomplished this week?

What have I learned? How have I really grown?  

Not at all?...

Today I had a very clarifying realization why honesty is the first step in this process.  Pornography isolates.  I've said it before, but really, that's the great deception: it's so appealing, it's immediately satisfying, but in the end, after its over, after I'm done, all it really leaves is an empty and hopeless feeling.  The truth is that  it blinds its users.  Even if at one point you realize the destruction you am causing, that no longer becomes a priority when the temptation is knocking.  The truth is that it doesn't remedy stress, anger, sadness, or the like and it certainly doesn't fulfill any real need.  And at a time when real relationships are needed the most, Pornography tricks you into thinking it has the easy way out. How ironic.

PORNOGRAPHY DRESSES LONELINESS UP IN A NICE DRESS AND FOR THE MOMENT MAKES YOU FORGET THE REST OF THE WORLD

(now it's starting to sound more and more like a drug; maybe a drug that gets you high on fantasy and lust)

So, how is this related to honesty, what I was actually talking about?  The revelation I had earlier this week was that, in reality, my biggest problem is that I am not being honest - I'm not just talking about with others, but with myself.  This relentless cycle of stopping for a while and then eventually falling back into it has become such a wearing experience and as much as I love being and desire to be religious, my addiction is the very antithesis of that lifestyle; it has deadened my spirit.

So, when I say "I don't want pornography to be a part of my life anymore," do I really mean it or am I just saying it to get rid of the nagging guilt?

When I say "I am really starting to get past needing porn," after only a week, two weeks, a month, etc. have past do I really believe it or am I just trying to convince myself that I'm not such a hypocritical sinner?

THE HONEST TRUTH IS...that I am a sex addict.  My addiction to pornography is deep.  It is wired in me and, as embarrassed as I feel in saying it, in who I am.  THE TRUTH IS...that I obviously don't want to give it up yet...I obviously don't feel like it is bad enough to stop yet.  Apparently, I haven't realized that the real struggle I have been fighting against all these years is the fact that I have been trying to justify myself out of watching porn instead of really evaluating my desire and strength to stop wanting it.  So I look at myself now and I realize the truth.  THE TRUTH IS...that I haven't changed, I haven't repented, I haven't moved on; and those times when I felt like I was really making progress were actually just times I was so busy I didn't have time to sit down and indulge.

There it is, the honest truth, what I haven't had the courage or made the priority enough to tell myself - to work out.

So, what's my point?

If I am ever going to even begin the road to recovery, I will have to first be honest with myself.  I will have to sincerely ask myself to answer questions like these: What do I really want for my life?  What kind of person/ husband/ father/ Christian do I really want to be?  What is most important in my life?  What do I risk giving up?  Is porn bad, and why? What do I need to do between now and the next 100 years to keep myself  in check?

HAPPINESS IS A DECISION,  each day and each moment.  So, I guess I have a lot of decisions to make.  

p.s. I apologize to all of you who may be following these posts for not having the self control to reach 13 days.

Day One - Take Two.