The Truth Is...

As you may have noticed, today I had to reset the day counter.  I would have been at 12 days today, but I gave in.  So you can see why I haven't moved on to the second chapter yet.

Really, what have I accomplished this week?

What have I learned? How have I really grown?  

Not at all?...

Today I had a very clarifying realization why honesty is the first step in this process.  Pornography isolates.  I've said it before, but really, that's the great deception: it's so appealing, it's immediately satisfying, but in the end, after its over, after I'm done, all it really leaves is an empty and hopeless feeling.  The truth is that  it blinds its users.  Even if at one point you realize the destruction you am causing, that no longer becomes a priority when the temptation is knocking.  The truth is that it doesn't remedy stress, anger, sadness, or the like and it certainly doesn't fulfill any real need.  And at a time when real relationships are needed the most, Pornography tricks you into thinking it has the easy way out. How ironic.

PORNOGRAPHY DRESSES LONELINESS UP IN A NICE DRESS AND FOR THE MOMENT MAKES YOU FORGET THE REST OF THE WORLD

(now it's starting to sound more and more like a drug; maybe a drug that gets you high on fantasy and lust)

So, how is this related to honesty, what I was actually talking about?  The revelation I had earlier this week was that, in reality, my biggest problem is that I am not being honest - I'm not just talking about with others, but with myself.  This relentless cycle of stopping for a while and then eventually falling back into it has become such a wearing experience and as much as I love being and desire to be religious, my addiction is the very antithesis of that lifestyle; it has deadened my spirit.

So, when I say "I don't want pornography to be a part of my life anymore," do I really mean it or am I just saying it to get rid of the nagging guilt?

When I say "I am really starting to get past needing porn," after only a week, two weeks, a month, etc. have past do I really believe it or am I just trying to convince myself that I'm not such a hypocritical sinner?

THE HONEST TRUTH IS...that I am a sex addict.  My addiction to pornography is deep.  It is wired in me and, as embarrassed as I feel in saying it, in who I am.  THE TRUTH IS...that I obviously don't want to give it up yet...I obviously don't feel like it is bad enough to stop yet.  Apparently, I haven't realized that the real struggle I have been fighting against all these years is the fact that I have been trying to justify myself out of watching porn instead of really evaluating my desire and strength to stop wanting it.  So I look at myself now and I realize the truth.  THE TRUTH IS...that I haven't changed, I haven't repented, I haven't moved on; and those times when I felt like I was really making progress were actually just times I was so busy I didn't have time to sit down and indulge.

There it is, the honest truth, what I haven't had the courage or made the priority enough to tell myself - to work out.

So, what's my point?

If I am ever going to even begin the road to recovery, I will have to first be honest with myself.  I will have to sincerely ask myself to answer questions like these: What do I really want for my life?  What kind of person/ husband/ father/ Christian do I really want to be?  What is most important in my life?  What do I risk giving up?  Is porn bad, and why? What do I need to do between now and the next 100 years to keep myself  in check?

HAPPINESS IS A DECISION,  each day and each moment.  So, I guess I have a lot of decisions to make.  

p.s. I apologize to all of you who may be following these posts for not having the self control to reach 13 days.

Day One - Take Two.

When No One is Looking

One of the most difficult aspects of this addiction is the isolation that it requires.  In my own life, in order to keep these activities a secret I have had to sneak, lie, and cover up my tracks.  I have had to develop these skills and use them against those people I love.  I have justified this in the past, telling myself that doing so was better than hurting them or causing an issue; but deep inside of me I've always known that I was actually also lying to myself.  I have kept it a secret because of the humiliation, the guilt, and the fear I have of what might happen if someone really did find out.  

There have been times in my life that I have gathered up enough courage to come clean.  These were comparably great days.  The weight of the secret felt as though it had been lifted and the opportunity of freedom from this curse never seemed more available.  But even then, after time passed and my newly revived motivation to overcome my addiction to pornography started to lose the excitement and focus I faltered, and felt the need to begin the horrible cycle of secrecy again.  Those who once new of my addiction, probably now think it is all in the past, when in reality it remains my daily struggle.

YOUR CHARACTER IS DETERMINED BY WHO YOU ARE WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING

That is the thought I am focusing on today...  My behavior, personality, and character cannot be determined by who I am with/ around and who I am not.

Addiction Recovery Manual

I wanted to share with you a resource which has been very valuable in my own pursuit of overcoming pornography. I have posted a link in the navigation bar to a pdf copy of the Addiction Recovery Manual published by LDS family services. This program is extension to the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program applying the principles of the Christian Gospel. It has given me hope and been a clear guide in the times that I needed it the most and provided through insight to my own experiences.

Though I have read this many times before, I have never really worked through it, and hence have never actually read it all the way through. So that is my goal. I hope to spend at least a week on each chapter, unless more time is needed.

Day One

My name is John, and I am a recovering porn addict...

I am in my early 20's, married for only a couple of years, and have a child on the way. I live in Utah and am a convert to the LDS Church.

I was 9 years old when I first encountered pornography. My friend brought a playboy magazine to church (I was Episcopalian at that point) camp. Not long after, exploring my dads pc I found that temp folder that stores loaded images viewed online; and the folder was packed with hundreds and hundreds of images. What was curiosity became an acquired taste and the subsequent addiction.

Not much has changed from those early days. If anything, technology has only made it easier to satisfy my increasing appetite. The content continues to become more accessible, the availability more plentiful, and the ability to keep it all secret seems to be so much more convenient. Like a rabbit following a carrot I fell for it every step of the way, deeper and deeper into obsession.

I have tried to quit many times before, and actually made it quite a while a couple of the times, but always seem to find my way back. For the most part, except for a couple very dramatic moments, this has been a completely personal endeavor. I have confessed to my wife, my ecclesiastical leader, I have attended recovery meetings, and I pray endlessly, but it all seems in vain. Everything I believe in and hold dear in my life is in complete contradiction with the secret that I can't let go, it constantly nags and urges at my soul and I have lost the strength to resist.

I have hit rock bottom. But today is day one. I pledge to be honest and I welcome your input.

Thanks for reading this. Whether you are working through this process as well or not, your comments and feelings are welcome here.